Schlitzmas Pub Ride Report

Here goes my second attempt at writing the December 16th Pub Ride report. The madcap hijinks started at the Bozone Brewery on North Broadway. A few fine handcrafted beers were downed lending a nice glow to fend off the cold (10 degrees) night. I was a bit dismayed at the sparse showing of participants, but once I understood that not everyone places such a high priority on the joy of drinking I cheered up. It was either that or the cask-conditioned IPA. That stuff cheers me up anytime. Leaving the Bozone Evan realized that the snowboard lock he used to lock up his bike had self-reset its combination. Panicked twiddling of dials ensued, followed by a good tug and broken lock parts falling to the loading zone below. Sorry, Evan…the ride must go on.
Next was the Robin, with a quick stop at Captain E’s to pick up his memory card. Mark at the Robin was kind enough to give us a 20% discount on food and drink. Nobody was hungry, but all were thirsty as we used that kind discount to our advantage. Thankfully, some straggling members of the ride sauntered in as well as some tagalongs who drove. We welcomed them anyway. Bizzle, Sethela, and Eric B#2 all rode or walked. Leroy the Gimp (Elizabeth) was given a courtesy spoke card as she is still recovering from bones sticking out of her leg-not a good combination with icy roads and bikes.
Leaving the Robin, we headed a couple of blocks downtown to Plonk. Steve at Plonk also gave us a 20% discount. Thanks Steve! I was a bit late in leaving the Robin (cuz I made it clear we appreciated the hospitality-I hope others did too) so I hightailed it down to the next stop. 5 drinks inspired more confidence than I should have had in the relationship between my tires and pavement, leading me to make an unintentionally dramatic entrance at Plonk. Hard on the gas, take a left to beat traffic, on the sidewalk at about 18 MPH, try to do a spectacular fixie skid, and slide right into the front of the bar. I wish I did it in summer, when the front windows are opened. Thankfully, I was close enough (on) the ground to keep from entering via the glass front. A good amount of drinks were consumed, but some members of the ride felt uncomfortable with all that culture (real or imagined) flying around. I rather liked the stares of contempt.
Next was an unplanned stop at the Eagle. Before our departure, however, I decided that Seth’s bike was safer 8 feet up in a tree. I assume that we collectively headed to the Eagles for some $1.50 PBRs and a little blue-collar deprogramming after Plonk. The Eagle was interesting as usual, and strangely comfortable until I discovered the circuit breaker panel in the open for anyone to fiddle with. Well, since these were about the oldest circuit breakers I have ever seen, and since I had about 6 or 7 drinks in me I hit one of the breakers. I think that I was the most surprised out of anyone when the lights for the band shut off! I quickly turned the lights back on, sat down, and continued drinking my beer. In the next 5 minutes I met the grumpiest elf I have ever met as he implored me to “don’t touch the fucking breakers”. Wow. I think that was the first time I heard a 70 year-old drop the F-bomb. 3 minutes later another self-appointed member of the Eagles Circuit Breaker Panel Security Posse told me not to touch the breakers. I responded with a polite “I’m not touching the panel”. She asked in a rather gruff manner if I needed to “meet the bouncer”. I replied with “well, I’m sure he’s a fine upstanding gentleman. If he has the time, I would be delighted to make his acquaintance.” Wrong answer. Within the minute, E.C.B.P.S.P. lady came back with one of the bouncers! We chatted for a bit, actually got along famously, and parted ways. At this point most of our beers were empty and despite my success in talking us out of getting thrown out, we decided that we no longer felt comfortable and left.
I do have one minor suggestion for the Eagles Club: If you decide to provide the means to get people drunk and rowdy, and you desire to keep the circuit panel where it is, GET A FRIKKIN’ DOOR FOR IT!!! Many modern panels come standard with lock just for this reason.
At this point, our battle against attrition was slipping as we headed to the Pour House with a few less people. I was relieved to see that the new pizza joint in the Bozeman Hotel building is open to 3am on weekends. Decent pizza, too! A quick run for pizza helped to provide some real nourishment to balance the copious amounts of alcohol (uhhh…7 drinks?) before heading into the Pour House. Two double screwdrivers (each) were on the menu for Sethela and me. I thought we could have used some vitamin c.
That pretty much sums up the First Ever Bozeman Pub Ride. I want to again mention Steve at Plonk and Mark at the Robin. These guys were quite literally excited to have the opportunity to be a part in this. Everyone needs to stop in these places and thank them, or at least the bartenders so we can continue to have their support.


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